Self Improvement Explained

Image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/47736146@N08/ / CC BY-ND 2.0

How do you judge a person’s actions?

Is it by the way their actions impact you? Or, is it by the true nature of their intentions?

I used to get very anger at my father for scolding me when I did something “wrong”.   He never really asked me why I did what I did.  It was just understood, if an action was taken which was not in line with his beliefs…

It was wrong.

At the time he was a jerk in my eyes.  His actions never made sense to me.  Why is it that I had to follow his rules?  Keep in mind I was in my teens, so rebellion was running thru my veins.  But I still needed to know why.

I never really got an answer I liked.  It was always something like “You won’t understand”, “When you have children, you’ll know why”

I wasn’t thinking about kids!  I was a growing teenager who wanted to be free.  Free to make his own choices.  My angry continued for years.

Let’s fast forward to the present day…

I have immense respect for my father.  He wasn’t grounding me because he liked it.  He did what he did because he loved me and he didn’t know any other way to express his intentions.

His intention was to keep me safe, to protect me and to help me grow into manhood.  Period.  Not to make me suffer or to be a dictator (I have to admit Hitler came to mind many times when I’d think of him). 

How I came to this realization?

Growing up, you see many things.  You experience so much, that sometimes you start to question things.  I started questioning why I had so many arguments and disagreements in my relationships.  Regardless of who the person was, family, friends and/or co-workers.

In the beginning I used to blame the other person.  But as the fights started to become more frequent, I started to reflect a bit.

I started looking within myself, rather than finding the faults in others.  I discovered that I never fully understood or appreciated the other person’s point of view.  I never understood why they said what they said or did what they did.

Other people have a perspective too?!

Everyone has belief systems.  This is how we function on a day-to-day level.  In my father’s case, he believed that hard work and discipline was the only way to survive.  And as his son, who he loves, I had to have those qualities in order to be safe.

Now, I knew his beliefs but what I didn’t understand was why he wanted me to have the same beliefs.  But the thing was, he didn’t want me to be like him.  All he wanted was for me to be safe.  His intention was “wanting his son to be safe”. 

But all I could see was his wanting to control me.  And I hated him for it. 

Why it’s crucial to look at the intentions, not the actions

Once we can understand/see a person’s intentions, it can clear up a lot of misunderstandings.  It eliminates all the anger and resentment that can develop in a relationship.  Also clear up any questions or confusion about that person’s actions.

Why is she/he behaving so viciously?

What is the matter with them, can’t they just chill out?           

How do I resolve this issue?

The true nature of a person is always good.  Unfortunately it can seem bad because we’re looking at it from our own perspective.  Sometimes we forget to see that every relationship has two sides.

This in no way means that you should agree with everything someone says or does.  Not in the least.  But this tool will help you act instead of becoming a victim to reacting. 

So I ask you…

Who in your life have you judge based on their actions?

Why do you think they did what they did?

If you take your own biases out of the picture, how does the picture change?

You’ll be astounded by the peace you get by asking yourself these questions.

Rishi Pathani

Watching and Learning